Dating in China: Meeting Someone

I am in my mid-twenties, I’ve lived in China for over two years, and I’ve been officially dating a local for a few months now, so here it goes: a post about dating! (“Two years already??” Yes, yes, time flies. Please don’t ask after my Mandarin, I’ll lose face.)

Here's a scenic photo that has nothing to do with dating. You're welcome.

To start, let’s take it back to the noob days. When you’re a lonely new expat, you make friends anywhere and however you can, from attending trivia nights in random bars to planting yourself in the local Starbucks on a regular basis. These public places are your only social options in the beginning. And back home, public places (including social media) are often acceptable spaces to meet not just friends, but also people with romantic potential.

Unlike back home, I do not know of any foreign/local interaction in a public place that has resulted in a real dating relationship. There are a few major turnoffs that usually happen quite quickly after exchanging contact info that lead to the potential’s quick demise:

One, the incessant messaging!! Westerners usually wait a few days before contacting again, but Asians message CONSTANTLY within the first few days of meeting. The talking game is quite different. (Or, from my Western perspective, there is no game. He is going to smother me with messages; no mystery, no tag, no fun.) Commence silent treatment.

Two, confessions of love happen real fast. The shocking ones are those that admit undying affection after knowing of your existence for days or even hours. Coming from a culture where men do not pursue that hard, it’s a turnoff and you are now friendzoned. (Actually, I don’t even want to be friends with you, either.)

Three, I am not Megan Fox. I know how my gender-ethnicity is portrayed in the movies and ads that make it in this country, and I do not appreciate being stereotyped or objectified. The guys that assumed I am more easy, or more available, or more “open” because I am a white female learned real quick that I am not interested in providing them with a free “foreigner experience.” They’ll have to go back to the movie theater for that.

Essentially, meeting dates randomly in public spaces does not work (in my experience or from other expats I know, there are probably exceptions, disclaimer blah blah blah). Why??? Because meeting a potential bf/gf here does not happen in the same way as it does in the West. A little more cultural knowledge and life experience in China reveals that most Chinese meet significant others by friends introducing them or parents setting them up. I’ve had more than one Chinese friend directly ask me, “Can you introduce me to someone?” This country runs on networking. If you are a fellow expat open to dating locals, your best bet is to befriend as many Chinese people as possible, hold onto the ones you actually like, and have them introduce you to more friends, whom they can vouch for as quality people and not weirdos.

Another option is to find your hobbies in China and get involved in those communities. It can be challenging to integrate, unless your Chinese is significantly better than mine and/or the group accommodates diversity. But having something (whether a friend, hobby or religion) in common other than the idealized, exotic-allure factor increases your chances of meeting someone with long-term potential. (Long-term meaning more than a week.)

Meeting Someone in China may prove more complicated than back home, but so is everything else in a new country. More complex, with the potential to be more rewarding.

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