Moving Home?? [Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

“So, when are you moving back home?”

I get this question fairly frequently, and people ask my parents a lot! I think the motivation behind it is mostly innocent curiosity, so I’d like to share a bit here about my life in China and how this particular inquiry comes across.

 Shanghai Skyline with Slight Smog 

“When are you moving back home?” reflects an American approval of the gap-year (living abroad for a year, usually between high school and college), but a strong, strange feeling towards long-term life abroad. When I (or my parents) answer with a brief comment about me living in China for a long time, it’s usually followed by, “I could never do it! That would be so hard!”

Sure, long-term living abroad is hard. Especially the first year, though the experience is largely determined by the amount of local language you know going in and what kind of community you’re going into. For me, I’m approaching 4 years in China and I’ve built up the support systems I need to be happy and healthy. Is it hard? Yeah, but so is earning a doctorate, or training for and running a marathon, or raising kids. Yet Americans do all of those without people looking at them wide-eyed or sideways, probably because doing hard things is rewarding.

My ancestors did almost exactly what I’m doing now. The American settlers moved to a new country – and then stayed there. I feel very American even though I'm not living in America, even though some Americans may find me/my decision odd.

“When are you moving back home?” carries a strong assumption. It implies: “Because, of course, you’re going to move home! I mean, going abroad for a year or so is fun, but after a while it gets uncomfortable. Long-term isn’t really desirable… Deep down, we all know, living in the U.S. is, well… better.”

Let me share with you a little of my life. I majored in TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) and I currently have a job in my field. And I love it! I adore teaching!! I am very employable here, and I can easily make enough money to live comfortably and pay on my student loans – Not everyone in my generation can say that.

My husband is Chinese. He majored in civil engineering and currently works at one of the best construction companies in our city. We both have amazing friends and easy access to food and activities we enjoy. My point is: while others see moving home as a “relief” for me, it would actually be more of a sacrifice for us. Especially now that I'm married, moving home isn't really moving home if my spouse is moving across the world. One of us will always face the challenges of being foreign.

Ultimately, “When are you moving home?” misunderstands the weight of the decision my husband and I face about which country we should live in. 

Moving means saying goodbye to some of the most amazing people I've ever met and making a huge life transition. 

Moving means asking my husband to put his career on hold and possibly discard it. 

Moving means asking him to become an immigrant. (Yes, that’s what I did, but my studies and my life were moving that direction for years leading up to my independent decision to leave my homeland when I was single, mobile and easily employable.) My husband didn't marry me to get a ticket to the U.S. 

Moving means starting completely over. I know from experience, you have to deeply desire that process; otherwise the difficulty of the transition will destroy it.

Q: “So, when are you moving back home?”

I’m not saying that my husband and I will never move to America. It’s entirely possible we will at some point. My purpose here is to say: This question often comes across rather presumptuous, and what is being asked isn't casual but a significant life choice for us.

A: “Right now, I love my life, and it happens to be in China.”

[Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

I would like to do a series of posts answering people’s questions about cross-cultural relationships and/or expat life in Asia. Please leave your question in the comments!