Flirting with Chinese Guys

When you fall in love with someone from a different country, you soon realize that other cultures have different ways of showing romantic interest and love. Their flirting can feel strange or even be a turn off at first, but the deeper you dive into another’s culture, the more you acclimate to and appreciate it.

A random Asian guy, courtesy of the public domain.

The first thing that struck me when I was dating my now-husband (as I’ve mentioned previously on this blog), was the NAGGING. Or what I perceived to be nagging. Such as:

Have you eaten yet?

Did you take a nap?

Wear more clothes, it’s cold out.

Drink more hot water.

Don’t drink that! Cold drinks are bad for your health!

Go to bed earlier.

Exercise more.

No ice cream when you’re on your period!!

And on and on… As you might notice, most of these statements are related to Chinese standards of health and wellness. I had a quite negative reaction to this form of attention, because

1) I believe ice cream is fine to consume at any time of the month or the year,

2) you want me to exercise more – are you saying I’m fat?

and

3) I am a strong, independent adult and I will not be told what to do!

But of course, the nagging didn’t stop, though I did manage to convince him to tone it down a little. I soon realized that this type of flirting is a general form of affection amongst Chinese people, as parents and grandparents say similar things to their children, etc. It was overwhelming to be on the receiving end of so much concentrated nagging from a Chinese boyfriend, but between him backing off a bit and me getting used to it, it soon wasn’t a problem at all. Nowadays I even occasionally urge him to wear more clothes and get more rest, myself.

Another form of flirting with Chinese boys is showing jealousy. This one really caught me off guard, as it’s a huge turn off for Americans. I would be caught dead before I said, “Who’s that?” or “Who were you talking to?” or “I bet she likes you. Don’t be too friendly.” Except, well, at this point… I… ah… have now said all of those at one point or another.

Now, I’m not talking about obsessive, controlling envy. But it is much more acceptable to joke around a bit in this department with Chinese guys than with American ones. It is a direct acknowledgement that I think he is handsome and a nice guy, to the point that obviously other women would notice him, so I’m going to make a lighthearted jab about how he should NEVER FORGET to wear his wedding ring. (Rings are a rather new phenomenon amongst married Chinese and few wear them.)

Or after hanging out with some of his friends, I might comment, “She was soooo friendly! And she asked you to hold her coffee when she went to the restroom! Did she used to have a crush on you?” because, of course, everyone had to have a crush on my husband at some point – he’s amazing!

This kind of joking jealousy is a fun way to flirt with and flatter a Chinese significant other.

And finally, the most bizarre form of flirting amongst the Chinese, is definitely the phenomenon of SAJIAO (撒娇, sah-gee-ow). How to explain sajiao? The dictionary contains two definitions:

To act like a spoiled child.

Usually of a young woman – To act coquettishly (to gain the attention and admiration of men).

A cutesy Asian girl, also courtesy of the public domain.

Sajiao in public is shocking as an American. You see a university student pout, literally stick out her bottom lip and look up with big eyes at her boyfriend. You hear a woman in her late 20s whine to get her fiancé to do something she wants him to do. You occasionally see all out tantrums!

What is happening?? Why is it happening?? The horror! I will NEVER acclimate to this one!!

Not all Chinese guys like or prefer sajiao, but it is a culturally acceptable behavior. I didn’t really discover it until I conversed with other Western women who are in relationships with Chinese men, who put a term to what I had vaguely observed in all my years living in China. Once the foggy information had a name, I saw it everywhere, knew it had been around me the whole time. It fits with the Asians’ cuteness obsession, the way grandmas can wear bedazzled leopard print like teenagers and university students can wear on the daily, not just cosplay, frills and lace and those Mary Jane shoes. It somehow kind of makes sense here.

Though I abhorred sajiao as pathetic, I must admit honestly… I have found if you want your Chinese husband to do something sooner rather than later, and he cannot be reasoned with, a little cutesy sajiao gets him laughing and cooperative unlike any other method.

Who knew that nagging, jealousy and whining would be endearing on the opposite side of the world? Culture is a funny thing!