Relating with a Language Barrier?? [Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

When I started dating a Chinese guy, and then got serious with that guy, some friends and family back home asked, usually in a hushed tone, “But how do you communicate?”

What does that mean, "someone who speaks your language"?

With my dismal Chinese and his intermediate English, it was a legitimate question. The first few times we hung out, my now-husband kept a dictionary app open on his phone (despite having studied English in school for many years… but the effectiveness of language education is a different topic).

We recently discussed the issue of the language barrier with some of our friends who are also in cross-cultural relationships. Some of the other couples are like us, where one partner uses their native language which is the other’s second (or third or fourth or fifth) language. This gives one person a natural advantage in communication. For some of the other couples, neither partner can speak the other’s first language, so they use a third language in their relationship. This gives them a more even playing field. Some couples mix languages if they don’t have full fluency in one.

Each of our relationships is unique; we all develop a couple-language that is our own. As the native speaker in my relationship, I get to teach my husband whatever slang or silly vocabulary I want (such as, but not limited to: sugar daddy, sleepyhead, or you weirdo). Hahaha, so much fun!! My favorite compliment from him is, “I love you from the earth to the moon and from the moon to the earth.” Native level English? No. Totally swoon-worthy? YES. (Sorry, this post just got really sappy.)

Though it’s fun at times, it’s also incredibly difficult at times. I can’t communicate well with my parents-in-law. I have a significantly unfair advantage during arguments with my husband. He gets frustrated when he can’t fully express himself. I have to constantly give him the benefit of the doubt and develop a thicker skin so as to not get immediately offended when he says something that comes out a bit rude.

The language barrier makes us be patient. It makes us choose our words carefully. It makes us simplify our messages. It makes us say what we mean and dismiss indirectness (because nobody got time for that!). It makes us listen for more than what each of us is saying – we have to listen for what the other means.

Which is an amazing advantage on our relational journey. All couples, cross-cultural or not, deal with miscommunication. But we’re a step ahead in that we expect it. We accept it as normal and natural. We can acknowledge misunderstandings as such, instead of clinging to who is right and who is wrong. We have to slow down and take a moment to think about how to express ourselves in a way that can be understood.

And that makes for some great communication.

Q: How do you communicate?

A: Well… We make it work.

[Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

I would like to do a series of posts answering people’s questions about cross-cultural relationships and/or expat life in Asia. Please leave your question in the comments!