Change My Name?? [Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

I married my happy, hardworking, handsome husband 10 months ago, and I didn’t take his last name. Naturally, many people back home asked, “WHY?”

My marriage certificate is a little red book!

There are two main reasons: paperwork nightmare and my husband’s Chinese culture.

Here's what a normal American woman does to legally change her name: provide her marriage certificate at the bank, change her social security card, and update her drivers license, all in person.

But I live in China. So I would need to go to the nearest American consulate (2 hours away by train) to renew my passport (which costs $120 US). I would then have to make another trip to pick up my new passport (train tickets totaling to another $120 US). Then I would have to fly home ($1,000 US round trip – if I’m blessed with a good deal) to complete all of the things normal women do…

Only hiccup being my marriage certificate is in Chinese. Like, the only English word on that entire document is my name. Not sure how that would go over in my local bank. Not to mention, getting a new drivers license when you don’t live in the country is a little tricky. (Though I may have successfully done that before, ha ha…)

I don’t even want to talk about the mountain of paperwork that I have to wade through every year to remain a legal immigrant. Changing my name to my husband’s is just a level trouble (in Chinese I’d say, mafan 麻烦) that really isn’t worth it for me, considering it’s not practiced here at all.

Which brings us to my second reason. Chinese women don’t change their names when they get married. Not one friend, relative or coworker in China has asked my husband or me about it. I actually forgot about the tradition in the whirlwind of planning two weddings in two countries.

However, both China and the U.S. have patriarchal cultures, in that traditionally the woman joins the man’s household when they get married. But instead of changing her name, a Chinese woman does something much more significant – she joins her new husband’s hukou 户口.

A hukou is a household registration. It shows all the members of the family and ties them to their hometown. It allows the government to monitor and control the movement of the population. Citizens use their hukou like a form of ID – it’s necessary to get an official identity card, married, a passport, or apply for visas to other countries. It also determines kids’ eligibility for schools. Local hukou holders enjoy many benefits, including being admitted to schools first.

Couple this with the economic methods of the country, and a hukou becomes quite powerful. The government purposefully develops certain provinces and cities, trying things out, and plans to develop the rest of the country over time. So major cities naturally have better schools, which mean better opportunities for higher education and jobs and life. A Beijing or Shanghai hukou is very attractive, while a village hukou is not.

When a Chinese woman marries, she marries a man – and his socioeconomic status and his hometown. This explains why many women here care so much about whether a potential boyfriend / husband owns a home. In the hukou system, the ladder of society is almost impossible to climb. Marriage is the easiest step up for women.

But I digress from my point into the wondrous world of cultural differences! (If you’re curious about hukou, check this Wikipedia article.)

Q: Why didn’t you change your name when you got married?

A: It’s not really important to us. And it’s so mafan!

[Ask a Cross-Cultural Couple]

I would like to do a series of posts answering people’s questions about cross-cultural relationships and/or expat life in Asia. Please leave your question in the comments!