Dating in China: Relationship Culture

So here goes a second post about dating in China! For my credentials, see the previous post, Dating in China: Meeting Someone.

In my discussions with fellow expats, reading blogs and my personal experience, I’ve identified a few happenings unique to the Chinese-and-Westerner couple. (Most of what I present here are generalizations from my limited knowledge / experience, culturally sensitive disclaimer, there are exceptions.)

Here's another scenic photo, that also has nothing to do with dating!

The Nagging. “Have you eaten yet?” is Chinese for “How are you?” In addition to eating habits, the partner expresses concern for your bedtime, your lack of exercise, the amount of clothing you wear in winter, drinking cold water is bad for your stomach, it’s sprinkling do you have an umbrella… And on and on and on. As an independent world-traveler, it can be difficult to receive this form of affection. But once you recognize what your partner really means, and you express how much you can handle, it gets easier and can even become comforting.

The Gifts. If you love getting expensive presents, you are dating into the right culture. This one might be gender specific? As a female, the gifts I have received before and while dating have not slowed, despite the passage of time, and have actually gotten better and more useful. Gift-giving is a huge part of Chinese culture, and it is heightened in dating. This makes it really difficult to give something of equal value on Christmas.

The Commitment Level. Chinese primarily date for the purpose of getting married, and their timeline from met-to-married is terrifyingly short (from a Western perspective). No friendship required before starting to date. Six months or less of dating before engagement is fine. As soon as the engagement is official, the couple goes for their engagement photoshoot – which involves the couple dressing in wedding attire! Weddings don’t need a year of planning, and the fiancé period can be as short as a month or so. Also, Chinese tend to use the L-word quickly and easily, a level of disclosure that makes most Westerners uncomfortable.

The Couples Items and Bag Carrying. It is perfectly acceptable for couples (and best friends) in China to wear matching (if not identical) coats, shirts, shoes, sweats suits, etc. Also, the guy often carries the lady’s purse. Personally, I still prefer to carry my own bag for the most part, but I have come to adore a good couples outfit. So cute!!

The Naiveté. A vast majority of Chinese in my age bracket (20s) lack dating experience for many reasons.
1, this is the first generation to have this much freedom in choosing a spouse. Pervious generations can’t offer much advice on dating because they never dated.
2, dating is strictly prohibited among anyone under 18, as they are consumed by rigorous Gao Kao (college entrance exam) prep. University life is the first opportunity for most to see or participate in dating.
3, the genders are significantly segregated in society. Gender roles are strong, and friendships with the opposite sex are not. Additionally, the One Child Policy has created a generation without siblings. (You learn a lot about gender from having a brother or sister.)
All these factors and more contribute to a naïve generation of Chinese that want to marry for love but have very few resources to tell them what love is or how the other gender operates.

The Public Attention. As a foreigner in a homogeneous country, I get a decent amount of stares, comments and photos when I’m out and about, and dating someone Chinese means my poor partner now gets to field all of the questions about our relationship status, where I come from, etc from random strangers.

The Well-Matched Idea. Foreigner-Chinese relationships may not face this one directly, but it is definitely a thing for Chinese-Chinese couples. It’s the idea of being equal in all areas: equally physically attractive, same socioeconomic status, and general look-right-togetherness. If your partner’s job isn’t spectacular, or they don’t meet other societal expectations (such as the male providing a house/car), or they aren’t gorgeous by local standards, people will probably be confused as to why you are in the relationship. We Westerners come at dating from a different perspective, and not everyone gets that.

Aaaaand those are my main observations so far! Dating a Chinese guy has been wonderful for me. I’ve learned so much about myself, what I want and believe, as well as Chinese culture and perspective. I hope this random list is helpful! Like / comment / let me know if I should write more about dating in China.

Comments

  1. Unknown24 January, 2016 18:18

    Really interesting pair of posts! Chinese dating is a huge leap into a new frontier, it takes bravery but the rewards are there to be had. You have a talent when it comes to bringing your world into ours. I feel homesick! Keep them coming :)

    ReplyDelete

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